suicide and the soul

one of the most beautiful people i've ever met hung himself with a wire coat hanger in his closet a little over a week ago. the scars that his corpse carried to the grave were hideous, vulgar, and the reason that some darkness overcame him enough that he had to end his life.

he left his mum, his sister, his grandmothers, his girlfriend of two years that wanted to marry him, his friends, his cousins, uncles, aunts, schoolpals, everyone in a state of disbelief. but one look at the fucked up way the wire cut into his neck and you knew.

i feel pity for him- he never saw how important or good that he was, and whatever depression took him to that level, those visions were evermasked from his eyes. i also am angry at him- angry that he could be so selfish in dealing this blow to us all, that he could be so self-involved and that he would go out on such a big 'fuckyou' note.

i'm exhausted. i'm fighting with my boyfriend, ignoring my girlfriend, trying to help out my grandma, visit with the rest of my family, do homework, pay my bills, ride my motorcycle, work 40 hours a week in a job that is constantly frustrating, see my friends and let them know that i love them, finish up research projects, find time to practice my music, battle the amerikan politikal system from assfuck hell, be spiritual, go hiking, nurse my stray kitty to health, and live life. but yet, i don't feel like offing myself.

i know where my friend was- i'd been there 15 years ago. it hardly seems that long ago. some little thing inside of me said to get help. that, or it was forced on me when i acted stupid- i can't remember exactly what happend. anyway.... i'm still here, still chuggin' along.

roger suicided on me in 1998. was one of the coolest, closest people i've known.

i'm sick of my soul getting bruised from these folks that do themselves in. it's the survivors that carry the burden of the depression that the committers can't get out from underneath, ever. and those problems that the committers had? the person is dead, so they don't have to deal, but those energies and those forces that acted on them are definitively still there.

yet we carry on.

maybe if i was very old, had lived my life, terminally ill, and the only things left functioning were my heart and my brain and the emotional and physical struggle was making them slow, i would consider an assisted suicide. it is after all, my body and i reserve the right to do with it as i see best. culling yourself from the herd before 30 and 35 when you have so much going for you is irresponsible.

'couse they aren't hurting now, so maybe that's good? fuck if i know.

a recommended book for ya

the great big book of tomorrow by tom morrow is an absolute must read for all burgeoning socialists out there that feel alienated from current (ie past 40 years) of amerikan political thought. stuff to make you think, and entertaining at the same time. not to mention the little history lessons that you'll get in every page. good shit!

gasoline is getting ready to become a very expensive commodity. all you fuckers out there in SUV land- do you think that dinosaur remains are a renewable resource? we can't place all the blame on you though, because we all use plastics. you're just speeding up the process. plastic is used in every step of manufacturing and oil is used to maintain the machines. can you see potential problems for agriculture in the future? if you're not frightened, you should be!

folks like bu$h and ch3n3y have put enough back to save themselves and their families when the oil runs out. what have you done?

not since january???

jezus fuckin' H crispy southern fried christ. has it really been that long since i put some thoughts up on this blog? i guess so. i've been busy getting on with life and you folks out there that can't get out and enjoy it, i feel a little bad for you.

more on eurothoughts: as i said before, they think we are paranoid. they think we are rich and powerhungy, and that we want to push amerikan imperialism on everyone else in the world. what works for us must surely work for the rest of the world, right? (whatever.) anyway, many folks hold being an amerikan against you. they tend to get you mixed up with your government and will go out of their way to be an asshole toward you.

but they also hold a kind of regard and esteem for this kountry, this place. i mean, it's the only place on the planet that could completely close it's borders and be self-sufficient. and whether i like it or agree with it, the truth is that amerika is a pace setter for many things in the world and people seem to get jealous of that; occasionally, i'd find myself on a pedestal.

the long and short of it is this: there were a variety of reactions, some warm, some cold, and the whole of the euro experience can be just as varied and confusing as any to be had on amerikan soil.

oh. and btw. if you are into hedonism, the ursurping of authority, and bacchnailian partying, then you should go to mardi gras in new orleans at least once in your life. if you never go, you are missing out on the greatest party in the world. ibiza could be better, not been there yet, so i can't report. but if you happen to be stateside, get off your ass, get in your car or get on an airplane and head for the mississippi delta for the beginning of lent.

more shite later,

-angrywoofdog