Death

This has been a couple of difficult months. Someone that I've known for almost 31 years is dying, and it's just breaking my heart.

I don't know if you've ever had to be a caregiver to an adult that needs to be fed, bathed, and carried around, but it is the hardest damn thing to do in the world. Especially when they say that they are ready to die.

I'm trying to hang in there, but it's difficult. It's hard watching people that I love not taking care of themselves; hell, I'm doing it, too, but I'm young and not on any daily meds. I wish that I could espouse more about the situation, but I just don't wanna get too personal on my blog.

Anyway, If you're the type that has never been through this, I don't know what to say. I can say that for me, even though this process, this thing of trying to help someone comfortably reach the afterlife, the otherside, death, the great never, heaven, is something that I will never forget and that will shape me for the rest of my own life. There's also something good about being able to be there for that person, because that person has allowed you to be a part of this process that we all must go through at some time. (Where are the nanobots??? 'Scuze my slight tanget, there...)

Yes, there is something beautiful about being able to take care of someone that you love while they are dying. Sometimes it's hard to see it while you look at the catheter coming out of their body, or the blue spots that are forming on their legs, or the congestion that never quite leaves their chest. You can hold their hand and weep and feel so much pain, and you can go in to work and think about it and feel the pain and the tears start running down your face 'cause it is so fucking hard to deal with. But you can be grateful that you are able to be there and that you have had the chance to forgive them, and be forgiven for all of the unavoidable fucked up things that will happen in relationships, and maybe, just maybe, when the emotions get put on hold for a second, or they are so drained that the logic has gotta drive for a little while, you can look back at the good things that the person did in your life, and allow them the freedom to leave when they are ready to go.

Letting go.... that is the hardest for those that are left behind.